One common question we hear is, "Why do you still practice betrothal today?" Often those asking have seen what betrothal is and how it was practiced in the Bible, but do not see a need to do the same, now that our culture has shifted to different approaches to marriage. We know that Christians are called to be counter-cultural when God's commands conflict with society's norms, leaving the underlying question, "Is betrothal commanded?"
In a major chapter on marriage and sexual morality laws, God says in Leviticus 18, "According to the doings of the land of Egypt, where you dwelt, you shall not do; and according to the doings of the land of Canaan, where I am bringing you, you shall not do; nor shall you walk in their ordinances. You shall observe My judgments and keep My ordinances, to walk in them: I am YHWH your God." Notice that the culture of their time is not what God commands His people to follow. When it comes to sexual behavior and marriage, God has His own culture that we should adhere to.
Since betrothal is the covenant that makes a couple husband and wife, that aspect of betrothal is essential. Without the covenant of betrothal, sexual activity is fornication, not the marriage bed. In our modern culture, Christians still recognize this, but they wait until their wedding day to make that covenant. The officiant often pronounces them "man and wife" and that new status is based on the covenant they just spoke. This follows the principle found in Malachi 2, where God speaks of - "Your wife by covenant."
With most Christians fully on board with this need for a covenant, the real question being asked is about the other aspects of betrothal practice. Which aspects were merely past culture, and which ones are biblical principles?
1. Getting Her Father's Permission
This one persists in the form of a tradition in some circles, though even many Christians now ignore it. The Bible teaches in Numbers 30 that a father can annul the vow or promise of his unmarried daughter if he does so on the first day he hears of it. Exodus 22 also shows us that even if the suitor has slept with the daughter, her father can still refuse to give her in marriage. Not getting a woman's father to approve of the covenant leaves a man with the possibility that the woman is not his wife! Going back to the principle that if the couple is not husband and wife, it is fornication, not marriage, we can see that getting a father's approval of a marriage is critical.
Some men try to adhere to this technically, but essentially create a loophole for themselves. They follow the dishonorable practice of getting the woman emotionally attached to him (by dating or other seduction techniques) and then talking to her father, essentially trying to force his hand. "Your daughter won't be happy unless you agree." Not only is this underhanded, it also violates another principle we see in the Bible - that of saving romantic and emotional attachment for marriage.
2. No Romance before Covenant
We have a whole article on this, but to explain it briefly, God said in Genesis 2 that, "It is not good for man to be alone," and then created marriage to address what was not good. When we seek romantic fulfillment outside of marriage, we deviate from God's solution. Is it right for a married man to get his romantic fulfillment from a woman not his wife? No! Romance is a key part of marriage itself, not something that we can separate from it. When we engage in romantic behavior before we have a marriage covenant, we are enjoying a benefit of marriage without the covenant. Even short of sexual fornication, it still violates God's design.
3. The Betrothal Period
One of the benefits of a betrothal period is that husband and wife can connect emotionally and romantically before it is time to move in together. When we understand the principle of keeping romance within covenant, having a betrothal period is common sense. Most of us are not ready to jump straight into marriage without a time to build that connection and make preparation. Our culture still practices this in the form of engagement, but engagement still only plans a future covenant and does not make the couple husband and wife. Desiring a time to connect and prepare is admirable, but putting that time before covenant has made the couple husband and wife still violates the principle.
Also, in Deuteronomy 25, we have a prescribed betrothal period of one month for a particular case, and while the situation is not one we face in our society, the concept of what God was showing with that command should be considered. Christ chooses to use the picture of betrothal for His relationship with us - and He doesn't just liken Himself to the groom - Ephesians 5 teaches us that marriage is something we are to pattern after the ideal of "Christ and the church." Christ came, paid the bride price and offers us covenant. If we accept, He will return for us and take us to His prepared place where we will live with Him forever. Right now, we are in the betrothal period where He is our Husband, but we are not physically in His house. Without a compelling reason to stray from Christ's example, why not practice a betrothal period?
Conclusion
Some dismiss biblical betrothal as something no longer needed or even impossible to practice in modern culture. It is true that a lot of things have changed in the world and the lifestyle of its population since the Bible was written, but one thing that has not changed is God. He still gives guidance through the Holy Spirit. He still cares who we choose to marry. He still wants people to honor their parents and He still uses marriage to exemplify His relationship with us. Another thing that has not changed is human nature. We still ignore God and go our way. We still let our flesh drive our behavior. We are still foolish and refuse to listen to instruction. We still corrupt the good things God has given us.
This is why, even though we know there are changes in technology, transportation, and styles, we also know those are irrelevant to whether or not we should practice betrothal. What was good for people 2000 years ago is still just as good for us now, even though yes, we will travel to our spouse by car instead of by camel and communicate via Zoom instead of through a matchmaker. Culture has no bearing on the fact that it is wisest to pray for direction instead of acting on our own understanding and that if a man pursues a woman his parents advised against he is asking for trouble! We can still choose either to let the way we live our lives point others towards The Savior - or away from Him.
“Thus says YHWH: ‘Stand by the roads, and look, and ask for the ancient paths, where the good way is; and walk in it, and find rest for your souls… ” - Jeremiah 6:16
