Benjamin and Kayla's Story
For any of you reading this who are new to the whole betrothal method for starting a relationship, it pretty much boils down to a few basic ideals.
1. Reserve our bodies for our future husband/wife. (don't have sex before covenant)
2. Involve both sets of parents in the process to get their wisdom and insight before making such a huge decision.
3. Don't pursue a romantic relationship before covenant. Winning a lady's heart before going through her parents only complicates her ability to make a good decision. (We have evidence of the dismal failure of the "follow your heart" method with the 50% or higher divorce rate in the USA)
Anyway, enough of the boring explanantions, let's get on with the interesting stuff!
Benjamin: The first time I saw Kayla was at Tabernacles in Orosi CA in 2020, I remember thinking that she was the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen.
Kayla: It’s funny, I don’t really even remember the first time I met Benjamin.
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B: Along with being beautiful, she was also pretty smart. I remember eavesdropping on a conversation she was having with an older lady about some classic books and movies. Her insights were on point and spoken in a way that belied a deeper understanding than I expected from such a young lady.
That year at Succot I had volunteered for security duties and luckily (or maybe more than luck was involved) I got paired up with her father (Mr. Kubes) for a midnight through early morning shift. I was overjoyed. Until I found out from him that she was only 15 years old. I was 30 at the time.
But I went ahead and opened up with her father about myself to start laying the foundation for a solid relationship. The more friends and connections we have the better, and, well "Never say never, right?"
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B: The next year, 2021, we went back to Succot in Orosi and then Unleavened bread in 2022. During these feasts I was continuously more and more impressed after every observation or interaction with her. Oh, did I mention she's a STUNNING dancer? Only recently I got to watch the recording of a dance she choreographed and performed at her grandfather's funeral who'd never actually gotten to attend any of her ballet performances. If you get a chance to see this video, I think you'll also be blown away by her beauty, grace, and sweet spirit. At one point while watching her dancing during a worship time at Succot, I was overwhelmed with a deeper insight into how God sees each one of us as his beautiful and treasured people. At this point I'm starting to have serious trouble guarding my heart and resisting the urge to fall head over heels for her. During this time I often find myself praying, "Dear God, please give me a wife like Kayla." You have to bear in mind, she's only 16 at this time and I'm not seriously considering her as a real possibility.
K: Although I don’t remember exactly when we were introduced I do remember seeing Benjamin around during Tabernacles 2021 and not really knowing who he was or anything about him except that he often wore shorts and sandles with socks, which I was NOT a fan of.
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B: Toward the end of Unleavened bread in Spring 2022, I find out that my Mother and sisters are going to fly to HI from an airport near her family's home in Monterey CA, and the Kubes have invited us to stay at their home as a launch point to save us several hours of driving.
Now I'm starting to think, "This just might be a far fetched maybe." Heart guard difficulty level, Extreme. But as far as I can tell, she hasn't given me a second thought. So I start trying to get her to at least notice me, all the time staying completely appropriate. I'm also building on my relationships with her parents, knowing that if this ever does become a real possibility, I will be going about it in the right way.
K: I only really started noticing him in 2022, when his mother, 2 younger sisters and he came to our house for a visit after Unleavened bread. It's actually kind of strange thinking about this now that I'm such good friends with his sisters, but at the time I remember thinking that Benjamin was the only one in their family who liked me.
I don’t really have any specific memories of speaking to him, but I observed a kind and gentle spirit and a readiness to be up for anything we wanted to do over those few days. I remember walking along the beach with them and being surprised that he was so eager to take his shoes off and get in the water. He was quiet, and I was quiet, but I felt comfortable around him and thought he was a great guy. He was gentlemanly and fun, however, it never crossed my mind that he could be anything more than that.
B: One day while we were there, Mr. Kubes takes Sarah, Hannah, me and Kayla to go surfing. We're having fun but not really being too successful, when Kayla comes over to me and asks if I want to go frolick in the waves with her! Asking me personally to go spend time with her in such a unique and cute way, I was a goner. Difficulty level impossible. For the rest of the stay I was unable to guard my heart at all, but was careful to control my actions and behavior. The hardest part was the morning after I got back from dropping my mom and sisters at the airport. Her dad had left for work and her mom (she's a nurse) had an emergency call she had to respond to, so I was left alone with Kayla and her niece who she was babysitting. With tremendous effort and a big helping of God's grace I was able to refrain from revealing my feelings for her and just be polite and friendly until it was time for me to head back to Orosi. I kept repeating to myself, "She's only 17, wait, this isn't the right way to go about it, you have to wait, She's only 17."
It's a mini miracle that I didn't kill anybody on the drive back to Orosi, I was in a state!
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B: I didn't see Kayla again for over a year, from March 2022 until Succot 2023. Spending this much time away from her I was able to regain control of my heart. I knew that I wanted to marry her, but was OK if YHWH (God) had other plans. My nearly daily prayer during this time was, "Please let me marry Kayla, but if not her, then someone a lot like her. But not my will, but thine be done."
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B: Along comes Succot 2023. I'm Excited and nervous, praying, "Father, I feel like I have to try for her, stop it from happening if it's not from you."
Thankfully Kayla had become good friends with my sisters during their time at GIT and Messiah West Coast, so I was able to interact with her a lot more without being too obvious. We also both love to dance, so we ended up naturally spending a lot of time in the evenings together when they would play hebrew dance music. She didn't really seem to notice me much though.
K: It wasn’t until a year and a half later that I saw him again at tabernacles of 2023. At this feast I noticed him much more than the other years. I had gotten to know his sisters Hannah and Sarah much better during my one week at GIT and Messiah West Coast. We developed a dear friendship and they became like sisters to me. So, most of the feast I would be hanging out with them, and Benjamin would just ‘happen’ to be there as well.
He was funny and sweet and I did notice his beautiful blue eyes at one point. We also kind of "clicked," and I enjoyed his company. but I didn't really think about him much because I couldn't imagine he would be interested in me seeing how I was so much younger than him.
B: Each year at the feast they have a friendly cook off competition where people make and share their favorite dishes and try to win prizes. Kayla, Sarah, and another young man decided to enter the dessert category and make pies. I quickly jumped in and volunteered to help with anything she needed. I was put to work slicing apples with Kayla and her mom. I was really worried that I was getting way too obvious, but I'd been watching and knew that there were several other high quality younger men who were also interested in her.
K: At the cook off, I was a little surprised when he quickly jumped in and volunteered to help me. I wondered if maybe he liked me, but no, we were friends, he probably just liked hanging out with me.
My parents both thought very highly of him. On a particularly hot day during a teaching, I was sitting two chairs away from Benjamin. My mom was sitting behind us, and suggested to me that I should move to the chair beside him to get out of the sun. I turned around and made a face like “don’t make me do that!” But she insisted. Reluctantly, I scooted over and sat right next to him, feeling super awkward, and wondering if he noticed how weird I was.
B: I didn't notice how "weird" she was. All I noticed was that my senses went from "High alert, she's only a couple chairs away." to "MAYDAY, MAYDAY, SHE'S RIGHT NEXT TO ME!!!"
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B: I was also taking any chance that came up to spend time with her parents. Knowing that I'd be going through them if/when the time came.
I made another (dumber) move during marketplace day. Kayla had made a few aprons and was modeling one of them with a price tag on it. I jokingly said to her dad, "Only $30? She's worth way more than that, I'll take her!" I guess I was getting pretty desperate, because nothing I did seemed to make her take note of me. Her Dad assured me that she wasn't for sale at any price. I was a little worried I'd blown any chance I might have had.
K: On marketplace day I was selling some of my homemade aprons, but I didn’t have a dress-form, so I decided to model one with the price tag on my shoulder. Benjamin comes running around to my table and says to my dad, “Wow only $30? I’ll take her!” I laughed at first, thinking it was funny, then stopped, realizing what he had said. I thought, “Geez he just must not realize how weird that sounded. He can’t be serious.”
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B: Toward the end of Succot I talked to my parents and told them I wanted to marry Kayla. My mom was supportive and started trying to lay the ground work for more interaction between our families. My Dad just said "She's nice." and left it at that. I was looking for a little more insight or at least a questionaire about why I wanted to marry her. But I was actually kind of encouraged because I had expected a response more akin to, "She's too young for you, what about this or that lady?"
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K: By the end of Sukkot I felt like I would consider Benjamin a friend, but I was still completely oblivious to him having any legitimate interest in me. I was also a little confused when we were saying goodbye to his family, and he disappeared without saying anything to me.
B: So the feast comes to an end and the Kubes are leaving. I say goodbye to her mom and dad and I'm getting up the gumption to go talk to her, planning out what to say and how to say it, when someone from the kitchen staff asks for volunteers to help clean up. No one's volunteering, so I do. I need a little longer to strategize anyway. So I go to help and, boom, the Kubes are gone. I'm left in a state of shock that I missed telling her goodbye.
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Benjamin: But, all is not lost, we're staying at the Orosi farm through Shabbat, so my mom tries her hardest to convince them to come back out to the farm for the meeting. But it doesn't work out, so we move to plan 'B'.
We have a cabin in Estes that's empty where we have guests stay from time to time. So my mom invites them to come out for a visit and it seems like they might do it, but eventually it falls through too. So now I'm left with plan 'C' the final option of cold calling Mr. Kubes out of the blue. AAAHHHH!!!
You know how some things get easier the more you do them? Well I had made this type of call twice before, and, at least in my experience, it gets harder every time. Or maybe I just wanted this one more.
Over the next few days with several false starts where I'm ready to call but can't quite do it, I finally force myself to hit the call button on the morning of December 27th. I'm off the charts nervous, alternating from hyperventilating to holding my breath as the phone rings. And rings. And rings. It goes to voicemail. I leave a message about wanting to talk to him about something, please call me back. So now instead of only being super nervous when I was trying to make the call, I'm in a constant state of nerves waiting for the call back. I wait the rest of that day and most of the next. He finally calls late in the evening. I tell him why I called, he asks the basic questions and says he'll talk to his wife and they'll pray about it.
Kayla: A few months after Sukkot, I was doing dishes in the kitchen when my dad‘s phone rang and he jumped out of his chair to go answer it in the other room. It wasn’t a surprise to me that he was getting a suspicious phone call as we had had two other guys interested in me since Sukkot and I figured it was one of them. When my mom and dad finished talking later that evening, I remember sitting with my mom and seeing this look of death on her face. I asked her what the face was about. She asked if I really wanted to know. And of course I said yes because I had to know the source of such an alarming expression. She told me that Benjamin Williams had called and asked to marry me. I WAS SHOCKED! I’m a little surprised I didn’t actually faint right there on the couch.
I felt so honored and at the same time so terrified. I spent what felt like a few weeks, but in reality was only one, praying and fasting, but I just couldn’t give an answer. I didn’t feel peace about saying yes, but I didn’t exactly feel peace about saying no either. I was so overwhelmed and stressed out with 3 guys having asked for me in such a short time. So I figured the best thing to do was just say no.
B: On the 4th of January Mr. Kubes calls to tell me he's sorry, but it's a no. We end up having a real heart to heart conversation and hang up as closer friends than before it all started.
I'm not really surprised by the rejection, I knew going into it that it was a long shot, but I'm still kind of discouraged. This is the 3rd time I've attempted to get a wife and I'm really questioning if it's God's plan for me to get married after all. Three strikes and you're out, right? So I begin praying for clear direction on the path forward and every prayer ends along the lines of, "And Father, if you want me to get married, she's gonna need to be an awful lot like Kayla."
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THE END (or not)
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K: A few days after that, my mom had tea with her friend, Miss Laurie, and explained what I was going through. Laurie said, “Is Kayla sure that she's not just saying no out of fear? He sounds wonderful and seems like everything she would want in a husband!” Later my mom asked me if I would reconsider and pray about it again. My parents and I came to a decision to have him come out and spend a week so I could get to know him a little better and make a more informed decision. I was nervous, but I knew if I didn’t at least try, then I would never be content with my decision.
B: About 2 weeks later my mom calls to let me know that the Kubes have continued thinking and praying about it and they are wondering if I'd be willing to come spend a week with them and Kayla so she can get to know me better before making an actual final decision. I ought to be blown away, but I'm actually not all that surprised. This whole time I've had this tiny niggle in my spirit that it's not over yet. I have some reservations about spending time with her in person, like the risk of falling for her again and getting hurt, but, no risk no reward, and if there's even the smallest shred of hope that I could get her, well, I'm down!
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B: So I book a flight and fly out on Valentine's day because those are the cheapest tickets. (Maybe God has a sense of humor) I get off the plane excited and nervous about talking to Mr. Kubes when he comes to pick me up. Except he's already there, and so are Mrs. Kubes and Kayla!!! I'm kind of a mess, we say hi, jump in the car and go to their house. I'm going to grab my suitcase out of the car when I realize I totally spaced and left it at the airport! It's amazing what having a beautiful young lady surprise you at the airport can do to a guy's brain lol! Thankfully the airport is only 10-15 minutes away, so we were able to go and get the bag before it was too late.
K: The day finally came after a long couple weeks of waiting to pick Benjamin up from the airport. When I say, ‘I was freaking out,’ it’s the understatement of the century! I was doing OK until his plane was landing and my mom dragged me onto the viewing platform, waving like a crazy person. I ran away back inside the airport and started contemplating my life decisions. We saw him walk inside, and my parents started going down the stairs to greet him. I took my time. I saw him standing there, looking as much a ball of nerves as I felt. My first thought was, “Oh, he’s a lot cuter than I remember." Apparently I was thinking too hard because when I got to the bottom of the stairs I bumped into the railing, and stumbled over my own feet.
B: As the week goes by, I'm on a rollercoaster. I'm trying not to fall for her again, without much success. One minute I'm feeling confident that God's going to give her to me, the next I'm pretty sure it's not going to work out. As can be expected in the Messianic movement, there are some areas where our families' ideas don't align perfectly. But it all works out in the end, and Mr. Kubes tells me that Kayla wants me to officially propose, and she probably won't say no. But she's also been on a rollercoaster during this time and there's no guarantee.
K: The whole week was sort of a blur.
We did all of the touristy things and seemed to get over our initial awkwardness quickly. There were so many things that I liked about him, but also so many unknowns. Saturday evening my dad comes inside after having a very long conversation with him. There were tears in his eyes as he spoke of how he and Benjamin would always be friends no matter what happened next. I said, “Well if it helps any, I was planning on saying yes so…” my dad says, “Really?! I couldn’t have chosen a better man for you." I was still a little on the fence because I could feel the gravity of the decision I was having to make and it scared me. This was a choice that would completely change my life forever! But I knew what I wanted in a husband, someone who was kind, gentle and above all else, sought to honor Yahweh. And Benjamin was all of those. I wanted to trust the father with all of my heart, even if it was scary. So I decided, ‘Why not?’
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B: With her dad's approval to go ahead and propose, on Monday I conspire with her parents and a close family friend of theirs to create a romantic and surprise proposal situation. I go out and buy a bunch of roses, depetal most of them, and give the petals to Laurie the family friend. Kayla's parents 'suggest' an early morning walk to go see the sunrise from the beach. I've taken advantage of the fact that I can't sleep that night to go along our route and hide roses here and there. I make a show of just happening to notice each one in its hiding spot and give them to her. When we get near the proposal point, I walk over to a bush and pretend to be looking for the rose I've obviously hidden there, but in reality it's just to distract her while Laurie comes out of hiding and gets into position. I give up on looking in the bush and make a show of looking around for the missing rose. Sure enough, there's the rose, lying on the ground beneath a balcony. Laurie dropped it from the balcony and is back in hiding up there. I walk over to pick it up and wait as Kayla walks over to take it. When she arrives under the balcony rose petals begin to fall around us as I look her in the eyes, drop to one knee, pull a ring from my pocket, and begin my carefully planned and memorized proposal poem. "Kayla Elizabeth Kubes," but it all falls to pieces after that and I blurt out something sort of close to what I'd planned to say. It certainly didn't rhyme and half of it probably made no sense.
BUT SHE SAID YES ANYWAY!!!
K: On the 20th of February we went on an early morning walk. We hadn't gotten far before Benjamin 'found' a rose hidden in a tree. I realized, "Oh my Gosh! it's happening." By the time we got down to the water I had a whole bouquet of flowers and was feeling an intense mixture of terror and excitement. As the sun was rising behind us Benjamin got down on one knee and presented me with a gorgeous ring. Rose petals fell on us from the platform above as I stared down at the ring wondering what on earth I was doing! I don’t really remember anything he said, but I do remember looking into those wonderful eyes and saying yes! As soon as I did, my fears melted away, and a beautiful feeling of love started taking its place.