Initiation
The age old story is a single man seeing a single woman and being attracted to her. That initial spark is usually the driver for a man taking his first step toward marriage. In modern America, a single man when he is favorably struck by a single woman, starts up a one-on-one dialogue over the internet to “see where it goes.” Most of the time, for Christians, it goes no where.
But really, why should we expect it to? Wise women, rightfully, don’t want to waste their time in dialogue with a man who is probably not serious and likely going to move on to someone else. They are cautious of letting their walls down for a man they are only getting to know over the internet. They certainly don’t enter a relationship based on a man’s ability to DM! Yet this is the current method the world uses to find a match, so even Christian men, after being introduced to a woman or noticing her Social Media profile still make this their go-to for pursuing marriage!
Men who know better than to pursue someone based on looks alone wonder how to get to know a woman well enough to determine if she’s a likely match without getting her hopes up prematurely (like dating does.) Some want to know what to do when she won’t let him get to know her better unless he first “states his intentions” and is grilled by her father (like courtship demands.) If he isn't ready to get serious, that doesn't seem like a good option. Yet, in order to know her well enough to decide to be serious based on that, he has to do something! So often, there doesn't seem to be a path forward.
Men sometimes try being more forthright and say to a woman, “Hey, I’m interested in you, are you interested in me?” but unless he’s been doing a little courting before then, or has a large amount of natural charm, she’s going to feel at best neutral about him. Her answer will most likely be a polite, “No.” If she decides to give him a chance to see if interest grows, it’s on the footing of “mutual interest is the important thing” which means this try-each-other-out relationship lasts only so long as they don’t find something unlikable about the other and no one better comes along.
What To Do
There is a better way! When, instead of the above, a man starts off with God’s Will being his goal rather than his personal desires, and makes that clear at the get-go, the woman is prompted to rise to the occasion and make that her goal, too! She responds with a fair chance and some serious prayer.
When a single man prays and waits on direction before initiating, it makes a huge difference. If, through God’s peace, a man is settled in his spirit and 100% ready to commit to marriage before he says anything, he is able to initiate without the, "I'm interested in you, are you interested in me?" speech. Instead he can start with, "I prayed and am convinced I’m supposed to talk to you about marriage. Would you pray and see what God tells you?"*
Gentlemen, be sensitive to the Spirit’s leading and beware of driving the woman away with manly bluntness. Suddenly jumping around a corner with, “will you or will you not marry me!?” is not something your average sister-in-Christ is prepared to encounter! That being said, don’t try to sweet-talk her either. You want her to say, “yes,” because she believes it’s God’s will, not because you played on her emotions. Wait on God’s schedule and His method. If it is truly from Him, trust Him to reveal the same to her in His time. The goal is obedient initiation, not willful pushing.
God's Channel
Here's another tip, talk to her father or father-figure FIRST! The Bible shows that initiating through a woman’s father is God’s plan for romance.** This should be after you are ready for full commitment, not just asking her father for special access to her, in order to feel her out so you can make your decision. Don’t talk to her father until you are ready to say, “If you’ll allow me, and she says ‘yes,’ then I’ll marry her because I believe that’s what God is telling me to do.” Be ready to answer questions, but try to help her father understand that you are initiating because you think the marriage is God’s will, not because of any personal merit in yourself or his daughter. This is to encourage him to then seek God’s will himself and make his decision of whether to allow the match based off of what he is directed to do by God instead of basing the decision on his own opinion.
What we believe is the one of the biggest helps in over-coming the difficulties that most Christians have while trying to find a spouse is abandoning the assumption that you need to “get to know each other.” Not that men and women should never get to know each other - getting to know your brothers and sisters in Christ is great! But getting to know each other with the idea that it will help you determine whether or not to marry should be abandoned. You can evaluate a woman for years and you still won’t know what a life-long marriage to her will be like. Also, a woman may be lovely, virtuous and able to make some man very happy, but that doesn’t mean it should be YOU that marries her.
Did Rebekah spend a few months getting to know Isaac before agreeing to marry him? Did Boaz court Ruth for a while to see if they were compatible? No? Why not? Because they already knew all that they needed to know. Isaac and Rebekah knew through the miraculous sign that this match was God’s will. (Genesis 24:14) Likewise God’s law had brought Ruth and Boaz together. (Deuteronomy 25:5-10) They had been told about, and personally seen in the other, evidence of good character. (Ruth 3:11-13) Would the assurance of it being God’s will and the person’s good reputation be enough for you? If not, why not?
God is the Matchmaker
Our advice to men looking for a wife is to trust in the Author of marriage. A wife is a gift from Him. If you humbly ask, with the willingness to accept and love "as Christ loved the church" whichever woman He sends in His timing, He will show you His path.
In summary, a single man should initiate:
- under the Spirit’s conviction
- with an offer of full commitment
- in God’s timing
- through God’s channel.
When this pattern of principles is followed, you can be sure that the pursuit of marriage is pleasing to God and not just seeking to please self.
*Do not take what we wrote here as approval of those men who go around telling every woman who strikes their fancy, “God told me you were to be my wife.” “God told me” is not a pick-up line. If you try to deceive a Godly woman with such a claim, prepare for serious embarrassment when she comes back from her prayer closet with, “God says you are a liar.”
**Watch “Why Do I Have to Ask the Girl’s Father?” - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ym3rfYzVQaQ
